***Warning Topics Talked About In This Blog May Be Triggering*****

 

It’s 10:30pm in my apartment in Orlando. I’m horny and waiting for Trade a friend to arrive. We are cuddled up on the couch, grinding on each other and things are getting sweaty. I can feel his dick getting harder as he begins to grab my waist and pull down my shorts. Lord knows he wanted me badly, and the feeling was mutual. Once we were naked he began to spit on his dick to get it wet before sticking it in but…

It happened again.

I couldn’t…the pain…the anxiety… but I wanted it so bad. Why? Is it cause I’m a bad bottom? Is it because he is too big?

Thoughts and doubts continued to race in my head before we ended up just jacking off and he went on his way. After he left I continued to lay in my bed frustrated and feeling guilty that I couldn’t please the person I’m with.

Hello, I am a 26-year-old queer cis-man. Up until recently all my previous sexual relationships I was – mainly – the top. When my partner(s) would try to approach me to be the bottom I became very anxious and very triggered yet feeling guilty I wasn’t able to please them. It wasn’t until many years later I discovered I had been experiencing sexual symptoms from being molested as a teen. 

Many survivors of sexual assault like me have experienced changes or difficulties when engaging in sexual activity afterward.

The sexual effects that a survivor may experience after sexual abuse or sexual assault may be present immediately after the experience(s), or they may appear long afterwards. Sometimes the effects are not present until you are in a trusting and loving relationship, or when you truly feel safe with someone. The ten most common sexual symptoms after sexual abuse or sexual assault include:

  1. Avoiding or being afraid of sex
  2. Approaching sex as an obligation
  3. Experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
  4. Having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
  5. Feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
  6. Experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
  7. Engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviours
  8. Experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
  9. Experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
  10. Experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties

When we conceptualize the ways a person is changed after sexual assault – whether big or small, temporary or permanent, and anything in between – we must consider the impact that sexual assault has on a person’s sexual self.

Sexual assault changed the way I experienced sex. My sexual desires, drive, preferences, and comfort changed in a multitude of ways after experiencing sexual violence as a teen.  But to experience difficulty — emotionally or physically — is an entirely real and legitimate experience, and one that is shared among many people who have experienced sexual violence of any form, and at any time.

It’s almost like the body and the mind can’t quite tell that consensual sex with a safe partner is different from the assault itself because physically, many of the actions are the same.For me, I was held down while being raped, and being on the bottom ( even consensually) for a period of time was a triggering and increasingly painful experience. For many years I felt like I was just a bad partner in bed because any object that penetrated me hurt and I would not get any pleasure.

Breathe, It’s Not Your Fault –

Kali Munro, Ph.D states “One of the hardest things for abuse survivors to do is separate sexual abuse from sex. I know you may know this intellectually, but it’s worth repeating many times – sexual abuse is not sex. Even if you liked the attention, approached your abuser for attention, were aroused, or had an orgasm, it’s still not sex and you are not responsible.

Placing responsibility on the abuser is one of the most important steps in separating the sexual abuse from your sexuality and sex life. That may involve feeling anger at your abuser, holding him/her responsible (in your own mind), grieving your victimization and powerlessness, and reassuring the hurt child inside you that it wasn’t her/his fault.”

Continue to Heal –

It doesn’t matter how long ago the abuse happened or how much work you’ve done to heal your past, there is probably more healing to be done. I have yet to channel my inner power bottom but I have been over time able to become empowered in my sexual choices and start to regain the pleasure that was taken from me.

Please know that you don’t have to re-live the trauma that happened during your abuse and it’s not helpful to become fixated on or stuck in the past. What IS beneficial is for you to regularly do healing things for yourself.

This might mean that you meet with a counselor or coach who specializes in sexual abuse. It could be that you get those layers of residual emotion and thought out by writing in a journal. Healing might be as simple as taking an occasional evening to do something that feels soothing to your “inner being.”

The more you allow time and space for your healing, the more open and available you can be to deeper and enjoyable intimacy with your partner.

 

 

 

 

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